FYI, music is how I deal with life so if I quote lots of music, also be prepared for movie quotes. Be on your toes! It's all I do to get through things. My friend and I actually make everything into a musical because we remember songs when people are talking. It's super rude, I know. I usually apologize later but it's an impulse. Whadaya do? Nothing. That's what, just roll with my humor.
SO lately a creepy feeling has been sliding into my brain DMs this last week and it's called guilt. I was raised, if you forgive yourself then who cares what other people think. I get that. BUT it doesn't work. No one ever told me to go and apologize to someone else so they can forgive you THEN you can forgive yourself to get that weight off your shoulders. I just forgave myself. It wasn't until later, when I met my husband, that forgiveness is such a hard, detailed topic. People are important. Sometimes "Baby" needs to be put in that corner! I always see on social media about women who promote the "know your worth" message. I get it. We can put ourselves aside and focus on everyone and you don't know your worth, at that time. But in reality, you do. That's why you make all the stupid decisions you make! WE think we are so worth everything, we forget how crappy we treat other people. We set these unhealthy boundaries that just pushes people away or we give off that, "they're too good" attitude and no one will open up and talk to you or even smile at you. I have done my fair share of not caring about people. I confused not caring what they think and not caring about them period. There's a difference. I was so caught up with not caring about people, I transferred that over to my marriage. I was trying to be this independent woman with no regard for how he felt, it just crushed the health of my marriage. It shouldn't have been called a marriage in the first place with how we both treated each other (another story, another day). When it all hit the fan, I had never felt more sorry about anything until it metaphorically slapped me in the face during our big fight we finally had. I started looking at myself more closely to watch myself. I went through a season where I was apologizing to everyone! I was messaging them on Instagram because I would see their picture and remember all the crappy things I thought I did. I may have been too hard on myself or they were being really nice because they all said, "I didn't even think that was mean" or "I didn't even notice, you're fine". I still felt like trash. From there, I was growing into this apologetic person - everything was an apology. I then noticed my daughter doing the same. She starting saying sorry for no reason at all. She would laugh and say sorry. I was turning her into an apologetic person for NO REASON! She was 5. I had to shift and told her she didn't need to apologize for everything. I had to take my own advice and model that behavior so she isn't this person. I now apologize with full sincerity when I do wrong and when I feel someone is offended with me.
LIAR! But really, just stop...
Recently, I realized how terrible I am at running with a lie. I felt so bad for lying about it, I kept apologizing, I cried to my mother, and I felt guilty from Friday night through Tuesday morning. I lied to my husband about the amount of money I spent. It sounds so stupid, and believe me, I've done a lot worse to him. I don't know why he still likes me sometimes! I just felt so bad! Granted I was stressed from work but seeing my husband mad, took the cake! I was so engorged with this guilt that I felt depressed. At this point, I know killing someone is out of the cards because I wouldn't be able follow through with that! He wasn't even mad that long. He was mad one night, ONE! I dragged it out so long. I beat myself up so bad. He said the next morning, "You know I'm not mad anymore right? Relax would you?" I didn't care, it was like I wanted to punish myself so bad I wouldn't do it again. I'm crazy. I'm like the monks back in history who whipped themselves down the street. Self Flagellation. For what purpose? Theirs was to demonstrate their religious fervor but also needed atonement for their sins by vigorously whipping themselves in public (google it hater). Yup, that's what I'm doing lol I'm seeking atonement. I don't need it from God, I need it from myself. I looked at my children like I was a disappointment. And it wasn't just because of my husband. I was crying to my mom and apologizing to her about how I'm such a disappointment of a daughter and I always need her help with everything. I apologized to my trainer for being a freaking weirdo Friday because I thought I was acting abnormal. I had this cloud of guilt hovering over me and I had it on me for 5 days.
Guilt. Guilt is a powerful force on a person. It consumes and destroys. Some people are good at placing guilt. Its almost demonic when a person feeling guilt is the same person placing it on themselves. It's insanity. Today, I've come to focus on what I can do for the future. It's easy to tell someone else to stop being so hard on themselves, or it's not even that big of a deal so get over it. I need to refocus. I need to give myself some compassion. When I need encouragement, I give encouragement to others. When I'm down, I sink and don't ask for help. I vaguely ask questions to get myself an answer of some kind to get me up. It all comes down to when I'm by myself - Realistically, when everyone is asleep - I literally prayed and reevaluated myself and my life. I pick myself up emotionally because I cant go any lower on myself and stand tall and take small steps to move forward. I will look at my children with pride, I will love my husband and show him how freaking awesome I am the way he communicates (which is visually) LOL, and I will not go through life mindlessly. Everything should be intentional.
"Wake me up before you go go..."
My encouragement to you by mirroring what I tell myself:
Get TF UP! You don't suck, you have many things you're good at and are amazing at doing. Make everything intentional. Have better goals and go further. Be aware, set boundaries, and understand your worth with compassion for others. You are blessed and loved regardless. Don't fall into self pity or piety. They both do not work, what works is the god given strength you have and the drive you have and can develop to be stronger.
-Dee
YES! love this!