I freaking hate The Notebook!! It's so good it pisses me off. That's like a once a year movie and then I cry for like a week thinking about it and then base every bit of my relationship on that damn movie. I hate it! Then I always say that line with a "Forrest Gump" accent because I suck at accents. So now read it again like Forrest Gump - there's no going back now! HA! I do wish I lived in the 40's though. I'm an old fashioned type of girl - that's probably why I create so many problems for myself. My expectations of men and my husband don't exist in this day & age so I get disappointed and frustrated. This post isn't about The Notebook though, it's just my intro to why this movie popped in my head. Not relevant - I'm sorry I go on tangents . I'm also glad you're paying attention now :)
I'm about to get all lovey-dovey because I actually like my husband and he's been on my mind lately, but I'm also going to be real. There's a HUGE difference between liking the person you're with and loving them. We can love our person and not like them. I didn't like mine for a long time after I fell in love with him. I found out how much of a dick he could be about things and then figured out how immature I actually was about real life scenarios. The throes of being in a new relationship and being newlyweds. That combo resulted in constant fights, make up sex, and more fights for a few years, it was great! We went through hell and back to figure out how to communicate and putting ourselves aside for one another. I have to give all the credit to God for sure for mending us and being in the middle of it all but he only helps if you help too. Recognizing things you don't want to put a spotlight on, or calling yourself out instead of being prideful and standing your ground when it CAN be your fault. That's what I did. I was very immature. Granted I was young and naïve but I was so prideful I held on to that immaturity when I should have outgrown the issues. Also, I'm no relationship expert, or a therapist but just another story, another perspective, from someone else's experience. Nothing fancy. When I'm 50, I'll have a different opinion then too. Right now, we're happy and we get a long. He has appreciated more today than ever before, I love him and consider him more today than even a year ago. Then who knows, we might hate each other in 6 months for some reason :) It's what it is, but the foundation we have created keeps us grounded to where we flip back to the basics of how to communicate and fix ourselves! I have to fix me and he has to fix him separately to come together. It's not just their fault, it's not just your fault. It's both someway or another that makes the other react. Let's go!
I can give you my, "I've been married for X amount of years" to prove I know what I'm talking about but to be honest, some people are just amazing at marriage within their first 5 years of being married and I remember talking to those people but I also talked to those married for 50 years. My point - relationships suck but you have to grow into them to figure out some type of groove of getting along and loving each other, and liking each other. I know people are always saying that communication is key but they never say what kind of communication. I can communicate where I'm at, what time I'll be home, what I need to do at work, what we're eating for dinner but no one talks about the crap you say in your head you don't want anyone to hear about. Adam (my husband) is GREAT at communicating - I am not. He used to ask me what I was thinking about. I would just say, "nothing". I then got the, "You cant just be thinking of nothing. There's something floating in there, what is it? You're not talking so something is in there." For me, that was a nightmare of a question because I didn't actually want to communicate what was in my head because he would probably be mad. I was usually talking to myself in my head; cussing him out, regretting something I did, or how I would tell him I need to be away from him for a little while. I would just say, "nothing really. I'm tired." That didn't sit well for a while. If something was wrong with me, he would ask what was wrong and I would just say, "nothing." I didn't realize at the time, that he would never figure it out. I just thought he would pick up on it like I do. Wrong. Men and women do NOT pick up on the same stuff. It wasn't until about 6years ago that our fights turned into real conversations. He was constantly saying in our fights that I need to tell him what was actually wrong not just vaguely wrong so he can pick it up. Honestly, I didn't understand what he needed from me until I learned how to speak my feelings. I went to a therapist for myself because I was struggling. She taught me to speak. Period. The wedge in our relationship wasn't the actual mistakes that were made, it wasn't how I hurt him, or how he hurt me. It wasn't the lies, the mistrust, the family members who metaled in, or the complete shut out of each other. It was the fact that I wouldn't even explain or break down anything I felt or reasons why I did what I did, or even why I act the way I do - my thought process in everything I do. Which in turn translated something different to him, then made him "act out" or react in a way that made it worse. He was clear what he wanted, how he wanted things, what he can do to change or not change, his boundaries, his understandings, his steps on how he gets to where he goes, or doesn't go. What his triggers are to be something he isn't. I was not. I was a mystery. Which makes for a red flag in relationships. I was the red flag guys.
I journaled and started making baby steps to speak. That was the best thing to happen to us. Not the lovey-dovey crap that movies, LIKE THE NOTEBOOK, portray. I accepted how he expressed himself, who he was actually. (I tried for a long time to change him into what I thought I wanted). In returned I expressed myself, I let myself be vulnerable with him, he was able to see me, not who I was acting to be for him. We then started having deep conversations every night and we got to know each other all over again because I wanted to improve for myself with others but I didn't want to screw up the only solid thing I had in my life. I had to revaluate myself, I had to come to grips with the fact that I'm a jerk. I am prideful, narcissistic, judgmental, self absorbed, stubborn, headstrong, emotionless, constantly frustrated, a red flag now apparently. I am all those things, but I learned to fight against those everyday. Once I learned how to express myself to him and show true love to him, we began to mend. He taught me to be the same way with everyday people. I always talked to people but it was always surface talk. A constant prayer was to love people the way God does because people are important. Adam was amazing with people and I was just the weirdo who was quiet and didn't really care about them. It was always, "what can you do for me to put myself out there for you" I never truly realized that until I made Adam important in my life. He taught me to be transparent, give them grace, show love no matter what they did to you. I can get all theological but sometimes people need to hear relevant things.
"So it's not gonna be easy. It's going to be really hard..."
I also learned, purpose is vital. To me, (take it easy because it's MY opinion) it's a little easier to find purpose as a woman. You can jump from hobby to hobby, or job to job, but there's always something we find that drives us to feel like we are fulfilling a purpose. For men, it's almost impossible. Being a father or a husband isn't enough for men. Having a job isn't a purpose either. Having a job they like makes them feel like they have a purpose but its never really fulfilling. When men feel like they have a purpose, they thrive to levels that creates a healthy, positive, and encouraging environment in your home. Not because you're happy for them or how they are treating you but because THEY are happy and there is true joy in their eyes. In turn, (naturally, because you love them) you begin to feel happy, encouraged, driven, lifted up and honestly because the two are one, its a chain reaction and it doesn't stop. Until it stops. Something they feel is lacking in their life is being filled and they beam that energy and joy towards the people they love most. They are better husbands, better fathers, better human beings, better friends, better strangers. Strong men encourage strong women. Strong women encourage strong men. It's not misogyny or feminism - I'm not getting into that crap. It's the combination of the two to create an enjoyable relationship. Men who fall into their "role" encourages women to fall into their "roll". I'm not talking about the typical 1940's roll of husbands and wives either, I'm talking about a mutual respect for one another. I'm not a stay at home mom, I do tons of things my old fashioned mother hates, many things she doesn't agree with. Like bodybuilding, I don't cook all the meals, I work, I will be the spotlight sometimes, I don't cover up enough, my gym clothes. I also do tons of things my feminist mother in law hates. Like how I don't make decisions for him or MAKE him do what I want because he should respect me as a woman. Respect period. What I do and have learned by being with my crazy husband is find out what he believes respect is for him and honor that to the best I can and I do the same. Bowing down to the "man" isn't respect. That is control. Respect is what do they need to feel loved, to feel proud of, to feel supported. Oh that's called selflessness! They in turn will give you the same. All that matters, he's happy with what I do until he expresses what he isn't happy with. I have female friends who's husbands are so supportive, they watch the children when they are doing their thing or go on trips, who take on the "mom" role but they still show them respect and consider them as human beings. They don't run their husbands. There is a traditional role of husband and wife that I truly value because I personally love it and it does work. It's a foundation I have being raised in church and raised by a traditional mother, BUT there are gray lines to that, and it doesn't always work. Sometimes, it back fires. When Adam first came over to a holiday dinner, I was serving his food (like the women in my family always did to the men), and what he said made me step back and feel awkward. He said, "Don't serve me please, that so weird. I will serve myself. You can get your food or sit, just don't do that. It looks strange." My family gave me that disappointed look when they saw I wasn't doing it. Now, we serve each other at different times in different ways because it's not just one way. To many, there is NO black and white, it's a rainbow - that's ok. If it works, then it works. I read a lot of books on marriage, the bible, what I felt spiritually, and I take in what works for us and remove what doesn't.
Purpose. Communication. Respect. Foundations. Men need sex and their form of respect, then feel they can serve/protect their family which extends to their community and how they can put their name on the map for people some way or another. Women need love, respect in their form, and appreciation (help), yes and sex, to feel driven which makes a happy home, creates new goals for herself, which also extends to her community to feel like she's made a difference in people's life. Knowing your worth only works if you know, understand, appreciate THEIR worth so they can appreciate your worth. Which then creates confidence. The simple, give to receive concept. Sometimes it sounds like manipulation but it's the relationship language - I think. Some people may not agree and that's ok. I'm all about disagreements because I like to feed off people and have conversations. Together, my family feels complete, we achieve goals and my relationship feels strong. We are always doing something that makes us uncomfortable to figure out if the uncomfortable is growth or truly not for us. Adam didn't become a "husband" until he became a father and continued to make mistakes. I didn't become a "wife/mother" until I screwed it up A LOT. He wasn't raised by his dad and I had both parents. We are completely different from our parents and we mess up so much that learning from those mistakes makes us stronger as individuals and partners. We're friends. I leave you with encouragement to learn to love to fix yourself to make yourself better for YOU and your family. Be open to learning new ways, understanding new perspectives, and open to how to make living better. Sometimes life sucks, being alone sucks, being in a relationship sucks, kids suck, parents suck, work definitely sucks. Don't stay STUCK in suck. There is better, there is joy, there is love, there is hope. You're not hopeless. You are loved. You have purpose.
-Dee
Let's see who will get mad and comment on my Andrew Tate quote :D
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